This We Believe

Separated by Differences, United by Beliefs

Fight For Love, With Love, Against Love

on February 24, 2014

Fighting isn’t always pretty, but it’s not always bad. Sometimes it’s good. If done correctly, you can get within yourself to a point that activates change. I believe fighting with a loved one – for love, can be beneficial. My boyfriend does this for me almost every day; we argue.

My memory starts with me and my boyfriend sitting in his car pulled over on the side of the road Christmas day. I was tearing up, mid panic attack with the holiday stress and I missed my anti-anxiety meds that day.

“Why are you so worried? What does it matter what people think? Why are you so upset? Why are you crying? Why won’t you talk to me?” He bombarded me with questions, the usual way. I was hyperventilating. All I wanted was to go home and get this day over with.

“Just get us home.” I said mutely, close to my breaking point.

“No. We are going to sit-”

“BUT WE ARE LATE. Don’t make me cry and let them see my red eyes-”

“MICHELLE I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT THEY THINK, WHAT MATTERS IS YOU!” I started to bawl.

“JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE ME HOME. I hate you! You always pester me all the time! Just leave me alone!!” I broke down shaking, a seething ball of energy towards him.

“Fine, I won’t ask you anything anymore.” In that moment, he gave up on me. I felt like I finally won.

Stress and anxiety are my middle name. I was depressed and lonely. It wasn’t until recently that I realized: he was right. Why did I freak out so badly? I subconsciously blurred out bad memories, until I realized I was the problem. Fear – afraid of having my walls I built up for so long, to be broken down. He reached inside me so far that day, and every other day we fight. I didn’t want to hurt him by fighting him; I felt I was always hurting him.

I felt so upset, and I couldn’t figure out why. He was opening up my very soul – something inside that I didn’t know existed or understood. That’s uncomfortable and I fought to keep him away – outside.

It’s not that I am not that stress ball anymore, but I have changed. I was terrified to be both vulnerable, yet loved in that moment. But he fought hard to bring me out- the real me, and still does every day. I am now real with him – raw and even passive-aggressive – but at least that’s something. My passion to fight him and his ideas was the passion to fight for me. He got to me in a way that I never knew was possible, and other people should have that experience too. Don’t be afraid to fight – fight for what you feel and fight for what you love. You will never be more surprised with whatever comes your way – whether that is freedom, sense of self or simple change.

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