This We Believe

Separated by Differences, United by Beliefs

Acceptance vs Happiness

on February 24, 2014

I believe in happiness.

I thought that college was going to be like in the movies, where everyone is still trying to find themselves and open to accepting others. I’ve heard nothing but great things from both of my parents about college life and I sure couldn’t wait to get in on the action after I graduated high school, but that’s definitely not how my first year went.

My first year of college, I became associated with a group of girls that would slowly deteriorate me to nothingness. Though I didn’t know it then, I would become a person that I wouldn’t even recognize.

I entered the group knowing exactly what I wanted which was to be appreciated and accepted as one of their own and it started off just the way I was hoping. I was thrilled. In that moment, I couldn’t picture myself in a better situation, but that’s where I also slowly started to lose myself.

I tried to push it to the back of my mind but I started to notice them making fun of me behind my back as well as making me more of an outcast every day. I thought I was going crazy. Every time I would talk to one of them or say hello, they would snarl at me or laugh like I said the funniest joke. Some days they would never even acknowledged I was near. I didn’t understand.

Questions flooded my mind. Was I just imagining this? What if they were treating me poorly? Why would they? What did I do? Despite the tears and the anguish, I needed to continue because I wanted so badly be accepted by them that I was willing to sacrifice my own dignity. I needed to find a way into their group. I would be a no body if I didn’t.

But I found myself becoming sad and angry more often. I doubted myself every moment of the day, but I kept my eyes down and tried my best to continue.

One afternoon, I decided not to hang out with them because I wasn’t feeling well and I was getting behind in homework. I felt this foreign emotion of excitement, happiness, and carefree joy. It all came so fast and so strong, it was like something that I’d never felt before but yet I felt like I had at the same time. It was as if I was being reintroduced to an old friend. I was free. I knew in that moment that I had to leave, something had to change and I had to be happy once more.

I left and never turned back. There are days when I doubt my decision and wonder what it would be like if I continued. But I know in my heart that I made the right decision because now I know that happiness is more important than trying to fit in. And now, I believe in happiness.

 

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